A Babylon Bee Exclusive: https://babylonbee.com/news/uncertain-how-bad-mass-shooting-is-until-authorities-release-details-of-everyones-skin-color
According to media reports, there has been a mass shooting. As of now, it is unclear how bad the mass shooting is, or whether anyone should care about it– since authorities have not yet released the skin colors of the perpetrator and the victims.
“It’s possible this could be a horrific mass shooting we will talk about for years to come,” said one news anchor. “On the other hand, it may just be a run-of-the-mill mass shooting that we’ll forget by tomorrow since it doesn’t fit the narrative we are trying to sell right now. For the time being, please be sure to assume this shooting confirms all your most horrific biases about the state of our country. Stay tuned for more details– unless we decide you don’t really need to hear more details.”
Already, social media is buzzing with speculation and anger, confirming everything everyone already knew about how horrible the groups of people who they think are so horrible really are.
“Not surprised,” said one American. “This is America– the country where the exact people I hate are as horrible as I thought they were.”
The media has assured they will probably just hold off on reporting further details until the preferred narrative has had time to run its course.
UPDATE 5 PM ET:
The suspect in the Monday afternoon Boulder, Colorado supermarket shooting which left 10 dead is 21-year-old Ahmad Al-Issa from Arvada, Colorado, so expect this not to be classified as terrorism, and the motive to remain unclear for some time.
And, of course, the racism-white supremacy-Trump thread is done.
Though we’re sure Rachel Maddow and CNN will fill in the blanks.