The Horror of Losing Federal Funding

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Taliban calls emergency meeting after US, its largest donor, pulls funding

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By Cat Astronaut

AFGHANISTAN — Nonprofit organization the Taliban called an emergency Board of Directors meeting earlier this week after its largest donor the United States of America pulled all financial support, sources say.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I appreciate the great work you’ve all been doing, but I would not have called you here if the circumstances were anything less than dire,” said Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada. “Pretty much our entire budget was reliant on Uncle Sam, and we need to find some new sources of cash flow ASAP.”

The Taliban said it will be able to continue operating for a few months on donations from individual opium traffickers and through extortion and assassination-related fundraising drives, but it won’t be able to thrive in the long run without finding another superpower with deep pockets and very little accountability to invade Afghanistan. 

Akhundzada said the Board also considered raising money through online crowdfunding campaigns, but “the American bastards took the internet when they left, too.”

A few financiers, including neighboring country Pakistan and billionaire Jeff Bezos, have expressed interest in invading, but neither could guarantee the inept leadership or incoherent strategy the U.S. provided. The Taliban has found that generating leads in an economic environment racked by COVID-19 can be difficult, especially since it gutted and/or beheaded most of its fundraising department over the past few years.

“Most of our best lead generators blew themselves up back in 2009 or 2010,” said Akhundzada. “Others have left to take chic jobs with ISIS or al-Qaeda. It’s becoming harder and harder to find good people to join your terrorist organization.”

Despite its uncertain future, the Taliban remains confident it will find another superpower to invade Afghanistan before its financial situation becomes fatal.

“If history proves anything,” said Akhundzada, “it’s that there’s always someone dumb enough to invade Afghanistan.”

Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of Ye Olde Tyme News. Like or Rock or Something contributed to reporting.

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